For the first time in my adult life, I’m waking up on January 1 not on a diet. I realized recently that I have been dieting yearly for the past 32 years. I’ve been vegan, vegetarian, paleo, pescetarian, and I’ve done the Whole30, counted calories, and have generally obsessed about my food intake. I’ve lost and gained hundreds of pounds in 32 years, and I am presently the heaviest I’ve ever been.
Dieting kept me just outside of my body at all times; I never fully embraced it because it was temporary. I lived almost entirely in the future, fantasizing about my new body x number of pounds away, with the belief that once I reached that point, THEN I would be in my body. I didn’t need to buy new clothes for or even look at my current fat body, except to snap before and after pics of myself.
I lost a bunch of weight one summer during my doctoral program. During that time I was greatly restricting and counting calories and exercising vigorously. My preoccupation with my body was off the charts, and I found that I lost the ability to accurately evaluate my body- I had severe dysmorphia. No matter how much weight I lost it was never enough.
I told someone the other day that I will not be dieting and they asked me, “What does that mean?”. Isn’t this an interesting question? I find that I feel the urge to say “I’m not just going to eat whatever I want”- cause isn’t that the opposite of dieting? Dieting creates such an all or nothing- don’t eat this, only eat that, except on “cheat” days. Good foods and bad foods. Hypervigilance. Was I good or bad today?
I’m not doing that anymore. I can’t anymore. It has cost me too much. I’ve become greatly disconnected from my body and I want to reconnect. I want to learn how to listen to my body and feed it what it needs and wants. Honestly, this feels scary. How will I know what to do without rules? What if my body “gets out of control”?
So what am I going to do? I’ve been following more accounts of fat women like myself, and have been immersing myself in literature and commentary about this history of dieting and discrimination against fat people. I recently wrote two articles one these topics that I will try to provide links for. I’m going to listen to my body and trust that it knows what to do. I’m also going to keep moving my body because doing so makes me feel good. In October I started a Yoga Teacher Training program so I’ve been doing a lot of yoga and it feels amazing. I’d like to start meditating because doing so also makes me feel good- but that’s a work in progress. I’m going to focus my mental energies on things other than my body. I’m going to dress this body I have and not fantasize about smaller sizes. I’m going to live.
I’m sharing because I know that other people feel this way. I’m also sharing because this important for me as I step fully into my body. There are so many great accounts to follow and I’ll work to put together a list. For those of you considering a January diet but feeling blah about it, I invite you to not.
One last thing- I recently interviewed Dr. Carolyn Coker-Ross, a medical doctor based in San Diego who created a non-diet program for women several years ago. During our interview, she made a comment about how much of women’s mental energy and money is tied up in the diet industry, and she wondered how different our world would be if women were less focused on their bodies. On a smaller scale, consider what your life might look like if you focused less on yours and directed that energy to other areas of your life.
Obviously this is a much larger topic and I have tons that I could say about it. If you feel that you need more support around this, you may benefit from seeking the support of a professional- check out the Health at Any Size (HAES) website for referrals to therapists and other professionals who are body affirming.
Happy No-Diet January!